Christmas Among the Natives

As I sit at my desk typing this out, my pet hamster Bhruic is having a run in his wheel. Having just completed 3/4 of my Christmas weekend obligations, I know how he feels. For the last three days I have been running between family gatherings, sitting in houses too small to entertain in, full of children too noisy to entertain around, putting several hundred miles on my car and several thousand calories in my body. I'm tired. More tired than I am after an average week of work. And, knowing I have yet another day of it ahead of me tomorrow, I'm feeling a little like Bhruic. I run and run. I know I've run because I feel the muscles aching and the weariness seeping into my bones. But, like my hamster, I emerge from my running in much the same place I began.

I know, I know. Christmas spirit and all that. Do unto others. Goodwill and cheer. Peace on Earth. It's not that I don't appreciate these things on occasion. It's not even that I don't enjoy seeing my family (on occasion) and Joan's family (on even rarer occasion). It's just that there's so much of it crammed into a few days time. For a guy who's skittish around crowds and nervous around children at the best of times, it can be a nightmare somewhere about the middle of day two. And it's not just me. One trip to the mall on Christmas eve will show you hordes of weary, beaten people running about to finish up that last bit of gift buying they put off until they no longer could.

There is so much written this time of year about the "real meaning of Christmas" but isn't the real meaning of Christmas a seemingly never-ending gauntlet of family dinners, holiday parties, and insane traffic? It has been as long as I've been doing it. Peace and joy are in much smaller supply than panic and depression. Goodwill is really just the place you go to buy gifts if you're cheap. Merry Christmas is just a phrase. Weary Christmas is a fact of life for most people.

So why, I ask you oh faithful readers (all two of you), do we put ourselves through it? Why do we bombard ourselves with media of varying types proclaiming the season to be jolly and gay when many of us would just as soon give it a skip? Why do we pack visits to every relative into a small holiday window until Christmas is not so much a celebrated holiday as an episode of The Amazing Race with 300 million contestants?

People often, using a tone usually reserved for people who broke wind at parties, how I can dislike Christmas. My answer... How can you not?

I look over and see that Bhruic has finished his run and has now buried himself in a corner of his cage for what looks very much like the proverbial "Long Winter's Nap."

Now that's something I could get into celebrating...

-Gryph

"On Christmas day you can't get sore
Your fellow man you must endure
There's time to rob him all the more
The other 364..."
-Tom Lehrer

NP: Bob Dylan "Not Dark Yet"

Happy Holidays (If That's Ok With You)

I have to admit I'm confused by all the recent hubub surrounding retailers having "Holiday Sales" or saying "Happy Holidays" in their ads. Apparently, according to the morality police, it is another attempt to "take Christ out of Christmas."

When did this begin? People have been saying Happy Holidays and having Holiday Sales as long as I've been alive. It's not a new phenomenon. Why is it a big deal now? I get the thing with "holiday trees" as Christmas trees are specific to the Christmas holiday (though they owe more to the pagan Winter Solstice than to Jesus, whose one published encounter with a large hunk of wood didn't turn out so good for him), but when did Target become a Christmas tradition? When did Target become a religious symbol? Since my editor, Darth Kel, is so familiar with Leviticus, perhaps she can shed light on this for me. Is there something about the disciples hitting the day-after-Thanksgiving sales? Aren't the same people who are beating up Wal-Mart for not properly celebrating their religious holiday the same people who constantly berate us for making Christmas too commercial?

Perhaps you didn't notice, but there are several holidays in December. Perhaps the folks at K-Mart wish to include Jewish people in their celebration of spending more than you can afford on people you don't really like. Perhaps they want the business of the people who celebrate Kwanzaa. Perhaps they hope to snag those people looking for that last minute Pearl Harbor Day gift or the perfect card for Boxing Day. Bottom line is, retailers have no vested interest in your religion, nor should they. Their job is to make money, pay taxes, and keep the economy rolling. They come closer to worshipping Alan Greenspan than anything.

Anyway, with the rant out of the way, I have some questions I hope the organizers of these protests can answer for me...

My grandmother really loves to watch "Holiday Inn" at Christmas. She's a very religious lady and I'm sure telling her that Bing Crosby was a anti-religious bastard will devastate her. Is there a grandfather (or grandmother in this case) clause I can invoke here to keep my poor granny's favorite classic movie intact?

Speaking of Holiday Inn, I stayed at one last Christmas when I was in Orlando. Was this wrong? Am I eternally damned for not going with Econolodge or Super 8 during the month of December?

I have been known to listen to Billie Holliday on occasion. Is this a problem?

My friend owns a copy of Tombstone on dvd, featuring Val Kilmer as Doc Holliday. Should I try to get him exorcised or is the rot too far gone?

British people often refer to their vacations as "going on holiday". Is it ok to associate with Brits?

I hope someone will help me out with these dilemma soon. I'm really worried. Until then, I leave you with a song from the great folks at Mystery Science Theater 3000, my favorite "Christmas/Holiday" tune.

Let's Have a Patrick Swayze Christmas

CROW: Okay, now if you'll all look at your sheet music, uh, we can rehearse my new song.
JOEL: You wrote a Christmas song?
CROW: Hey, there's no tradition like a new tradition! Ha ha ha!
TOM: Um, wait a minute. "Let's Have a Patrick Swayze Christmas?"
CROW: Oh, yeah, yeah. Based on my favorite movie, Roadhouse.
TOM: C'mon, what the heck does PATRICK SWAYZE have to do with CHRISTMAS?!
CROW: Hey, you keep Christmas in your way, and let me keep it in mine, okay?
TOM: Oh, geeez.
JOEL: Hey, c'mon, Tom Servo, it seems like a nice enough sentiment and we can give it a shot. C'mon.
CROW: All right. Okay. Okay. Uh, 12/8 time, uh, key of A-flat major--
TOM: Good.
CROW: Uh, Cambot, shoot 'em the tune. Uh, okay, you'll just have to stay with me, everybody, okay? Uh, your part's written out. "Let's Have a Patrick Swayze Christmas", by Crow T. Robot.
JOEL: "Paul, let's have a Patrick Swayze Christmas"?
CROW: Right. Hit it, Cambot!
TOM: Oh! Oh, I start. I get it. Hmm.
CROW: I'm sorry.
TOM: Pick it up.
Open up your heart and let the Patrick Swayze Christmas in.
CROW: We'll gather at the Roadhouse with our next of kin.
TOM: Not bad!
JOEL: And Santa can be our regular Saturday night thing.
'BOTS: We'll decorate our barstools and gather round and sing.
TOM: Oh, let's have a Patrick Swayze Christmas this year!
CROW: Or we'll tear your throat out and kick you in the ear!

JOEL: Hold it, hold it a sec. Cambot, stop it. Uh, Crow, I don't know if I think this is an appropriate sentiment anymore for Christmas.
CROW: Hey, what? Like a good action sequence don't belong in Christmas?
JOEL: Well, no, it's just that I've never heard of an action sequence in a Christmas carol before.
TOM: Well, yeah!
CROW: Well, then grab hold o' your socks and read on, Joel Robinson!
TOM: Okay, pick it up from measure 20, Cambot. Lovely intro, though. Very tasteful.
CROW: Thank you.
TOM: I like that.

It's my way or the highway, this Christmas at my ba-ha-haar.
CROW: I'll have to smash your kneecaps if you bastards touch my car!
JOEL: I got the word that Santa has been stealing from the till.
'BOTS: I think that that right jolly old elf better make out his will, ohh,

ALL: Oh, let's have a Patrick Swayze Christmas, one and all.
And this can be the haziest...
This can be the laziest...
This can be the Swayziest
Christmas of them aaallllllllll!"
TOM: La la la laa ha HAAA!

CROW: How long before it becomes a standard?

JOEL: I think you gotta come with me. C'mon.

CROW: Waaaaah!

TOM: We'll be right back. Oooh. Save a leg for me! Heh heh heh.

The Politics of Freedom

Forgive me... I try very hard not to talk about "weighty" social or political issues in this journal. I'm thinking about setting up another to do that but I've always tried to keep this one light.

That said, I've got to get this off my chest because I'm officially pissed off.

Here's a link to the article from MSNBC that set me off.



And here's the specific quote, from FCC Chairman Kevin Martin:
“You can always turn the television off and of course block the channels you don’t want,” he said, “but why should you have to?”

What? Look at that statement again because I think it tells more about the philosophy of the Bushies than anything I've seen. Here you have the FCC chairman, a person who was put in place to regulate free, over-the air television, advocating the censorship of pay cable TV, while brazenly admitting in his own argument that the cable industry has put in safeguards through parental locks to ensure parents can control what their children see.

So what does this tell us about an overall Bush Administration philosophy? Well, Bush appointed this moron, as well as his predecessor Michael "Disgrace to my Father" Powell, who melted down at Janet Jackson's boobs, less of which were visible than is seen on an average episode of "MTV Spring Break". So Bush bears full responsibility here. I can't vote for the FCC chairman so I'm taking out on someone (and probably getting myself barred from flying ever again as a "suspected terrorist.")

This one sentence tells me all I need to know. Broken down to its essence, it says "It doesn't matter what measures you take to police yourselves, until the entire television landscape fits our fundamentalist ideals, you will be under scrutiny."

Parental locks are really quite a brilliant tool. Television programmers assign their shows a "rating", you see it at the beginning of each broadcast. TV-PG, TV-M, etc. You then simply take 30 seconds to lock out anything above the rating you feel is inappropriate for your child. Simple. "But why should you have to?" asks our nimble-minded FCC chairman.

Well, Mr. Martin, pull up a chair. Class is in session.

You see, some of us less enlightened heathens in the world are not offended by swearing, breasts, or violence. Some of us know people have sex in real life (well, maybe not your parents, but certainly most of us), deal with violence, and hear cursing. Some of us don't want to watch The Sopranos if Tony has to tell Big Pussy (or I suppose that would be Big Elbow now, to avoid any sexual connotations) to "take that doggone gambler to the river. Today he gets baptized with the fishes".

But hey, I get where you're coming from. Sex is bad. Immorality is bad. And after all, we don't have anything else to worry about now that we've caught Osama Bin Laden...

I know I feel much safer in my home knowing that Cinemax won't be able to show "Lord of the G-Strings" anymore. I'm sure the unavailability of "Sex Trek 69: The Next Penetration" on our televisions will improve the sagging economy and restore lost jobs. I'm sure every one of those 2000 people who died in Iraq will get up and walk again if only we could rid the world of "Busty Cops".

Wow. I feel safer already....

-Gryph

"Government, even in its best state, is but a necessary evil; in its worst state, an intolerable one."
-Thomas Paine

NP: Trailer Park Troubadours: "Trailercana"