Happy Holidays (If That's Ok With You)
I have to admit I'm confused by all the recent hubub surrounding retailers having "Holiday Sales" or saying "Happy Holidays" in their ads. Apparently, according to the morality police, it is another attempt to "take Christ out of Christmas."
When did this begin? People have been saying Happy Holidays and having Holiday Sales as long as I've been alive. It's not a new phenomenon. Why is it a big deal now? I get the thing with "holiday trees" as Christmas trees are specific to the Christmas holiday (though they owe more to the pagan Winter Solstice than to Jesus, whose one published encounter with a large hunk of wood didn't turn out so good for him), but when did Target become a Christmas tradition? When did Target become a religious symbol? Since my editor, Darth Kel, is so familiar with Leviticus, perhaps she can shed light on this for me. Is there something about the disciples hitting the day-after-Thanksgiving sales? Aren't the same people who are beating up Wal-Mart for not properly celebrating their religious holiday the same people who constantly berate us for making Christmas too commercial?
Perhaps you didn't notice, but there are several holidays in December. Perhaps the folks at K-Mart wish to include Jewish people in their celebration of spending more than you can afford on people you don't really like. Perhaps they want the business of the people who celebrate Kwanzaa. Perhaps they hope to snag those people looking for that last minute Pearl Harbor Day gift or the perfect card for Boxing Day. Bottom line is, retailers have no vested interest in your religion, nor should they. Their job is to make money, pay taxes, and keep the economy rolling. They come closer to worshipping Alan Greenspan than anything.
Anyway, with the rant out of the way, I have some questions I hope the organizers of these protests can answer for me...
My grandmother really loves to watch "Holiday Inn" at Christmas. She's a very religious lady and I'm sure telling her that Bing Crosby was a anti-religious bastard will devastate her. Is there a grandfather (or grandmother in this case) clause I can invoke here to keep my poor granny's favorite classic movie intact?
Speaking of Holiday Inn, I stayed at one last Christmas when I was in Orlando. Was this wrong? Am I eternally damned for not going with Econolodge or Super 8 during the month of December?
I have been known to listen to Billie Holliday on occasion. Is this a problem?
My friend owns a copy of Tombstone on dvd, featuring Val Kilmer as Doc Holliday. Should I try to get him exorcised or is the rot too far gone?
British people often refer to their vacations as "going on holiday". Is it ok to associate with Brits?
I hope someone will help me out with these dilemma soon. I'm really worried. Until then, I leave you with a song from the great folks at Mystery Science Theater 3000, my favorite "Christmas/Holiday" tune.
Let's Have a Patrick Swayze Christmas
CROW: Okay, now if you'll all look at your sheet music, uh, we can rehearse my new song.
JOEL: You wrote a Christmas song?
CROW: Hey, there's no tradition like a new tradition! Ha ha ha!
TOM: Um, wait a minute. "Let's Have a Patrick Swayze Christmas?"
CROW: Oh, yeah, yeah. Based on my favorite movie, Roadhouse.
TOM: C'mon, what the heck does PATRICK SWAYZE have to do with CHRISTMAS?!
CROW: Hey, you keep Christmas in your way, and let me keep it in mine, okay?
TOM: Oh, geeez.
JOEL: Hey, c'mon, Tom Servo, it seems like a nice enough sentiment and we can give it a shot. C'mon.
CROW: All right. Okay. Okay. Uh, 12/8 time, uh, key of A-flat major--
TOM: Good.
CROW: Uh, Cambot, shoot 'em the tune. Uh, okay, you'll just have to stay with me, everybody, okay? Uh, your part's written out. "Let's Have a Patrick Swayze Christmas", by Crow T. Robot.
JOEL: "Paul, let's have a Patrick Swayze Christmas"?
CROW: Right. Hit it, Cambot!
TOM: Oh! Oh, I start. I get it. Hmm.
CROW: I'm sorry.
TOM: Pick it up.
Open up your heart and let the Patrick Swayze Christmas in.
CROW: We'll gather at the Roadhouse with our next of kin.
TOM: Not bad!
JOEL: And Santa can be our regular Saturday night thing.
'BOTS: We'll decorate our barstools and gather round and sing.
TOM: Oh, let's have a Patrick Swayze Christmas this year!
CROW: Or we'll tear your throat out and kick you in the ear!
JOEL: Hold it, hold it a sec. Cambot, stop it. Uh, Crow, I don't know if I think this is an appropriate sentiment anymore for Christmas.
CROW: Hey, what? Like a good action sequence don't belong in Christmas?
JOEL: Well, no, it's just that I've never heard of an action sequence in a Christmas carol before.
TOM: Well, yeah!
CROW: Well, then grab hold o' your socks and read on, Joel Robinson!
TOM: Okay, pick it up from measure 20, Cambot. Lovely intro, though. Very tasteful.
CROW: Thank you.
TOM: I like that.
It's my way or the highway, this Christmas at my ba-ha-haar.
CROW: I'll have to smash your kneecaps if you bastards touch my car!
JOEL: I got the word that Santa has been stealing from the till.
'BOTS: I think that that right jolly old elf better make out his will, ohh,
ALL: Oh, let's have a Patrick Swayze Christmas, one and all.
And this can be the haziest...
This can be the laziest...
This can be the Swayziest
Christmas of them aaallllllllll!"
TOM: La la la laa ha HAAA!
CROW: How long before it becomes a standard?
JOEL: I think you gotta come with me. C'mon.
CROW: Waaaaah!
TOM: We'll be right back. Oooh. Save a leg for me! Heh heh heh.
When did this begin? People have been saying Happy Holidays and having Holiday Sales as long as I've been alive. It's not a new phenomenon. Why is it a big deal now? I get the thing with "holiday trees" as Christmas trees are specific to the Christmas holiday (though they owe more to the pagan Winter Solstice than to Jesus, whose one published encounter with a large hunk of wood didn't turn out so good for him), but when did Target become a Christmas tradition? When did Target become a religious symbol? Since my editor, Darth Kel, is so familiar with Leviticus, perhaps she can shed light on this for me. Is there something about the disciples hitting the day-after-Thanksgiving sales? Aren't the same people who are beating up Wal-Mart for not properly celebrating their religious holiday the same people who constantly berate us for making Christmas too commercial?
Perhaps you didn't notice, but there are several holidays in December. Perhaps the folks at K-Mart wish to include Jewish people in their celebration of spending more than you can afford on people you don't really like. Perhaps they want the business of the people who celebrate Kwanzaa. Perhaps they hope to snag those people looking for that last minute Pearl Harbor Day gift or the perfect card for Boxing Day. Bottom line is, retailers have no vested interest in your religion, nor should they. Their job is to make money, pay taxes, and keep the economy rolling. They come closer to worshipping Alan Greenspan than anything.
Anyway, with the rant out of the way, I have some questions I hope the organizers of these protests can answer for me...
My grandmother really loves to watch "Holiday Inn" at Christmas. She's a very religious lady and I'm sure telling her that Bing Crosby was a anti-religious bastard will devastate her. Is there a grandfather (or grandmother in this case) clause I can invoke here to keep my poor granny's favorite classic movie intact?
Speaking of Holiday Inn, I stayed at one last Christmas when I was in Orlando. Was this wrong? Am I eternally damned for not going with Econolodge or Super 8 during the month of December?
I have been known to listen to Billie Holliday on occasion. Is this a problem?
My friend owns a copy of Tombstone on dvd, featuring Val Kilmer as Doc Holliday. Should I try to get him exorcised or is the rot too far gone?
British people often refer to their vacations as "going on holiday". Is it ok to associate with Brits?
I hope someone will help me out with these dilemma soon. I'm really worried. Until then, I leave you with a song from the great folks at Mystery Science Theater 3000, my favorite "Christmas/Holiday" tune.
Let's Have a Patrick Swayze Christmas
CROW: Okay, now if you'll all look at your sheet music, uh, we can rehearse my new song.
JOEL: You wrote a Christmas song?
CROW: Hey, there's no tradition like a new tradition! Ha ha ha!
TOM: Um, wait a minute. "Let's Have a Patrick Swayze Christmas?"
CROW: Oh, yeah, yeah. Based on my favorite movie, Roadhouse.
TOM: C'mon, what the heck does PATRICK SWAYZE have to do with CHRISTMAS?!
CROW: Hey, you keep Christmas in your way, and let me keep it in mine, okay?
TOM: Oh, geeez.
JOEL: Hey, c'mon, Tom Servo, it seems like a nice enough sentiment and we can give it a shot. C'mon.
CROW: All right. Okay. Okay. Uh, 12/8 time, uh, key of A-flat major--
TOM: Good.
CROW: Uh, Cambot, shoot 'em the tune. Uh, okay, you'll just have to stay with me, everybody, okay? Uh, your part's written out. "Let's Have a Patrick Swayze Christmas", by Crow T. Robot.
JOEL: "Paul, let's have a Patrick Swayze Christmas"?
CROW: Right. Hit it, Cambot!
TOM: Oh! Oh, I start. I get it. Hmm.
CROW: I'm sorry.
TOM: Pick it up.
Open up your heart and let the Patrick Swayze Christmas in.
CROW: We'll gather at the Roadhouse with our next of kin.
TOM: Not bad!
JOEL: And Santa can be our regular Saturday night thing.
'BOTS: We'll decorate our barstools and gather round and sing.
TOM: Oh, let's have a Patrick Swayze Christmas this year!
CROW: Or we'll tear your throat out and kick you in the ear!
JOEL: Hold it, hold it a sec. Cambot, stop it. Uh, Crow, I don't know if I think this is an appropriate sentiment anymore for Christmas.
CROW: Hey, what? Like a good action sequence don't belong in Christmas?
JOEL: Well, no, it's just that I've never heard of an action sequence in a Christmas carol before.
TOM: Well, yeah!
CROW: Well, then grab hold o' your socks and read on, Joel Robinson!
TOM: Okay, pick it up from measure 20, Cambot. Lovely intro, though. Very tasteful.
CROW: Thank you.
TOM: I like that.
It's my way or the highway, this Christmas at my ba-ha-haar.
CROW: I'll have to smash your kneecaps if you bastards touch my car!
JOEL: I got the word that Santa has been stealing from the till.
'BOTS: I think that that right jolly old elf better make out his will, ohh,
ALL: Oh, let's have a Patrick Swayze Christmas, one and all.
And this can be the haziest...
This can be the laziest...
This can be the Swayziest
Christmas of them aaallllllllll!"
TOM: La la la laa ha HAAA!
CROW: How long before it becomes a standard?
JOEL: I think you gotta come with me. C'mon.
CROW: Waaaaah!
TOM: We'll be right back. Oooh. Save a leg for me! Heh heh heh.
posted by Gryphon at 5:48 PM
2 Comments:
With Christmas closing in, I'm reminded of the time I was sitting in a local pizza takeout waiting for my order. Being a good Italian takeout, there was a nativity scene set up, and with nothing better to do I contemplated the figurines gathered 'round the manger:
... shepherd ... camel ... wise man ... wise man ... Princess Leia ... donkey ... wise man ... Imperial Stormtrooper ... Yoda ...
I can only surmise that the tinsel-encrusted bauble suspended over the whole scene was the "Death Star O' Bethlehem."
You two are not right!
Have a great Jedi-Swayze Christmas, y'all. Yoda know it is the season for peace on earth, though having either a billy club or a light saber never hurts. Love. love, love.
Post a Comment
<< Home