Gimme a Sign
When I was a kid, church signs were simple. They usually said something along the lines of "Close Second Primitive Baptist Church. Service: 10:30, Sunday School: 12:00. Preacher: Brother Jimmy Wallace" But somewhere along the line, the people in charge of church signs got a spark of misguided creativity. Suddenly my hour long commute to work (where I pass roughly 573 churches. This is Tennessee after all) is filled with church signs that have little quotes on them. And I'm not talking about quotes from people worth quoting like Mark Twain, Thomas Jefferson, or Dr. Martin Luther King. I'm talking stupid little bumper sticker quotes that are supposed to make you think or laugh but usually make me slightly nauseous.
There's one on my drive in that tells me "Seven Days Without Prayer Makes One Weak." Get it. Weak. Because that's kind of like Week, only spelled differently (unless you're the Church of God I saw on a trip to Nashville one time that actually had it spelled week. That one did make me laugh). That's the level of humour you're looking at here.
And those are the coherent ones. Unfortunately, roadside signs do not have Microsoft Word equipped in them so spelling and grammar checks are non-existant. So you'd think the church folken would put their most literate member in charge of the sign, right?
Wrong... I've seen spelling on signs that would make my second grade English teacher cry. I'm not talking about the normal "letters fall off in the wind" mispellings that result in messages like "G e the De il an nc and he w l be our ru er", which always reminds me of the Ea A Oes song from A Mighty Wind. This is people without a basic elementary competency.
Even worse than those are the people who can't remember their bumper sticker dogma and end up posting things like "If you were convicted of being a Christian, would there be enough evidence to convict you?" I'm still confused by that one. I've certainly heard of having enough evidence to convict but not being convicted (see Simpson, Orenthal James) but I'm pretty sure if you were convicted there was, by definition, enough evidence to convict you. Maybe it's a Zen thing like that whole tree falling in the woods deal. I'm not sure.
So, since I'm sure none of the churchies are going to heed my plea to go back to simple church signs (only announcements of fellowship dinners should disturb that natural order) I'm proposing another idea. A national Bureau of Church Slogans to oversee sign content. Why not, we already have at least 12 departments doing intelligence and anti-terrorism work under Bush. We have a Federal Communications Commission that seems to feel it is their job to tell me what I can and can't watch on television. Why not a Bureau of Church Slogans? There are more churches with signs in my home county than there are television stations anyway.
I even have a candidate for the first Secretary of Church Slogans. My own editor, Darth Kel. Darth Kel possesses the intellect, knowledge of proper grammar, and a sense of good sentence structure. She has managed to turn years of my aimless brain dumps into readable works, and throughout it has remained a steadfast friend, so she's experienced in working and maintaining good relations with the mentally deficient.
So there you have it Kel. I just promoted you. Go forth and proselytize. Or at least assist others in thier proselytizing ways. Once you've got that under control, we can expand your sign-fixing authority. There's a place in Dothan Alabama called "Sue's Barbeque and Hair Salon" that could use your help.
No, I'm not making the BBQ/Hair Salon up...
Really...
We drive past it every time we go to Orlando...
No, I don't eat there...
Until next time,
Gryph
My religion consists of a humble admiration of the illimitable superior spirit who reveals himself in the slight details we are able to perceive with our frail and feeble mind.
-Albert Einstein
NP: Pat Benatar- Best Shots
There's one on my drive in that tells me "Seven Days Without Prayer Makes One Weak." Get it. Weak. Because that's kind of like Week, only spelled differently (unless you're the Church of God I saw on a trip to Nashville one time that actually had it spelled week. That one did make me laugh). That's the level of humour you're looking at here.
And those are the coherent ones. Unfortunately, roadside signs do not have Microsoft Word equipped in them so spelling and grammar checks are non-existant. So you'd think the church folken would put their most literate member in charge of the sign, right?
Wrong... I've seen spelling on signs that would make my second grade English teacher cry. I'm not talking about the normal "letters fall off in the wind" mispellings that result in messages like "G e the De il an nc and he w l be our ru er", which always reminds me of the Ea A Oes song from A Mighty Wind. This is people without a basic elementary competency.
Even worse than those are the people who can't remember their bumper sticker dogma and end up posting things like "If you were convicted of being a Christian, would there be enough evidence to convict you?" I'm still confused by that one. I've certainly heard of having enough evidence to convict but not being convicted (see Simpson, Orenthal James) but I'm pretty sure if you were convicted there was, by definition, enough evidence to convict you. Maybe it's a Zen thing like that whole tree falling in the woods deal. I'm not sure.
So, since I'm sure none of the churchies are going to heed my plea to go back to simple church signs (only announcements of fellowship dinners should disturb that natural order) I'm proposing another idea. A national Bureau of Church Slogans to oversee sign content. Why not, we already have at least 12 departments doing intelligence and anti-terrorism work under Bush. We have a Federal Communications Commission that seems to feel it is their job to tell me what I can and can't watch on television. Why not a Bureau of Church Slogans? There are more churches with signs in my home county than there are television stations anyway.
I even have a candidate for the first Secretary of Church Slogans. My own editor, Darth Kel. Darth Kel possesses the intellect, knowledge of proper grammar, and a sense of good sentence structure. She has managed to turn years of my aimless brain dumps into readable works, and throughout it has remained a steadfast friend, so she's experienced in working and maintaining good relations with the mentally deficient.
So there you have it Kel. I just promoted you. Go forth and proselytize. Or at least assist others in thier proselytizing ways. Once you've got that under control, we can expand your sign-fixing authority. There's a place in Dothan Alabama called "Sue's Barbeque and Hair Salon" that could use your help.
No, I'm not making the BBQ/Hair Salon up...
Really...
We drive past it every time we go to Orlando...
No, I don't eat there...
Until next time,
Gryph
My religion consists of a humble admiration of the illimitable superior spirit who reveals himself in the slight details we are able to perceive with our frail and feeble mind.
-Albert Einstein
NP: Pat Benatar- Best Shots
posted by Gryphon at 9:35 PM
7 Comments:
Secretary of Church Slogans, eh? Now I can spend my life pondering whether Easter really IS more than something to DYE for, reminding people that there will never be a reduction in the wages of sin, and asking them if they've repaid Jesus' investment in their lives by showing any interest. What a life! Of course, I'd have to remind them that if they give Satan in inch, he'll be a ruler. I'll tell them that our congregation is taking reservations: smoking or non-smoking. But never, never will my signs read "in your right hand there are pleasures forever." It’s my job to put a stop to that nonsense! Yet, I’ll forgive my enemies, it messes with their heads. So what if I’m not particularly religious: God expects spiritual fruit, not religious nuts. But with so many churches, how will I find the time? I’ll take comfort in knowing Moses was once a basket case, too. And I won’t wait for 6 strong men to take me to church. I’ll advertise a free trip to heaven: details inside. Remember: God loves you. And he approved this message.
Oh... and while you avoid EATING at the BBQ Salon... I'd avoid getting a PERM there.
I forgot a couple of ones I saw recently when I was doing the column. There's one outside of Shelbyville that has "Sunday's Sermon: Beautifying the Body of Christ." I'm not sure if that's something to do with Jesus going on Extreme Makeover or what.
And a friend handed me another good one the other day. Someone was handing out flyers door to door and he kept it for me. It was advertising a revival to celebrate the arrival of a new preacher to the church. It said "come hear the positive and uplifting sermons of Brother James." On the sheet, it also listed the topics for each day's sermons. My favorite was:
Sunday
9:00 Come Hear the Good News!
11:30 Judgment Day is Here!
I wasn't sure what to make of that one, especially in light of Brother James' promise of "uplifting sermons." Nothing is quite as uplifting as a good old hellfire revival straight from the book of Revelations...
I'm waiting to see if I offend anyone with this column. You have to tread lightly with religion stuff. I'm reminded of the Monty Python reunion they did where Terry Jones argued that Life of Brian was not sacriligous because it didn't make fun of God, it was heretical because it made fun of the church. He was very adamant about that distinction...
I'm glad I found that Einstein quote though. Probably sums up my religious views better than anything could.
Church signs are among my favorite things- especially when they are misspelled, or based on TV ads. I find them so spiritual, don't you? And putting Kel in charge of church signs is either terribly cynical, or terribly inspired, or both.
I think Kel is the perfect leader for the Department of Church Sign Security. She would bring the same leadership and command to that job that she used to beat a weekly column out of me. The churchies (I almost wrote Bushies there and caught myself, not that they aren't synonymous anymore) can't be any more difficult to edit than me. I am, the undisputed, master, of the, comma, splice.
*waits for Kel's head to explode like a melon when her editorial mind reads that last sentence...*
should be accused/convict, not convicted/convict. maybe someone had convicts on their mind.
Well, everyone is entitled to their convictions.
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