Grandparents Say the Darndest Things
No one warned me...
When I was engaged, everybody and their brother had advice for what to expect in a marriage, how to gain the upper hand in the marriage, how to keep a marriage successful, how to avoid marital conflict. I even had several married friends give me advice that was essentially "RUN. NOW. While there's still time!!!!"
But no one warned me about the grandparents...
Granted, no one had to warn me about Joan's grandmother. She's hated me since before she met me and becoming part of the family has made it worse. So it was a great surprise when she was the first to slap us with the BIG QUESTION. The question no one warned me about. The question I assumed I had a year or two before I had to deal with.
"So, when do you guys plan to have kids?"
What???!!!! Kids. Nowhere in the wedding vows did anyone mention kids. Kids are not in my contract. I read it twice.
Don't get me wrong, I like kids. One of the things I inherited on getting married was two adorable nephews, 3 and 2, who I love like I'm their blood. I have dedicated myself to being the "cool uncle". The one who brings fun gifts and knows interesting stories. The one who is more like a kid himself than an authority figure.
But that's just it. I like kids. Other people's kids. Other people's kids are great. If I feel the need to bond with a youngster I just call up Joan's sister or one of my cousins with children and I take them to the zoo or the discovery science center or a baseball game. But, and this is a major point, I can give them back. If they start to cry or yell or smell funny I can take them back to their mothers to be repaired. You can't do that when the kid is yours.
So I brushed off Joan's grandmother's comments as an attempt to get inside my head and cause me to bolt. But then comes my grandmother with the same thing. My grandmother is much more subtle than Joan's. No "when are you having kids" from her. Just subtle hints about how she's getting older and liable to die before I provide her with great grandchildren to enjoy. No pressure...
People at work ask the same question. Friends as well. Suddenly everyone seems creepily interested in my reproductive processes.
Is it really so wrong to not know yet if you want kids? Apparently so. The advice givers were mortified that Joan and I hadn't worked this out before we got married. But we had. She isn't sure (leaning toward yes), I'm not sure (leaning toward no) but we both want to wait a few years until we're settled and in a better place financially before we even begin discussing it. That's a decision.
And if we do, eventually, decide we don't want children, does that make us somehow evil? Also apparently so. Someone not long ago told me that couples who don't have children are "selfish" because people are put on this Earth to reproduce and if you don't it's only because you're too caught up in yourself to make a sacrifice for someone else. They couched it in some sort of religious argument, which is usually the quickest way to lose me. But isn't it more selfish to have a kid if you aren't sure you are ready for one, or even want one at all? Isn't it more selfish to blindly reproduce without studying the consequences and your ability to parent? Isn't it more selfish to just have a kid knowing you're in debt and the child won't have everything they might if you only waited a few years?
And aren't all those people pressuring me to have children just attempting to get themselves what I'm already enjoying; someone to spoil without the responsibility? Isn't that, in itself, selfish?
So here's the official announcement to stop the questions. There will be, barring any accidents of birth control, no children. Not for a few years and maybe not ever. Get over it. If you want kids, go adopt some. I work with lots of them who need good homes. My sperm are not for rent.
"A word to the wise ain't necessary -- it's the stupid ones that need the advice."
-Bill Cosby
NP: Pink Floyd: Dark Side of the Moon
When I was engaged, everybody and their brother had advice for what to expect in a marriage, how to gain the upper hand in the marriage, how to keep a marriage successful, how to avoid marital conflict. I even had several married friends give me advice that was essentially "RUN. NOW. While there's still time!!!!"
But no one warned me about the grandparents...
Granted, no one had to warn me about Joan's grandmother. She's hated me since before she met me and becoming part of the family has made it worse. So it was a great surprise when she was the first to slap us with the BIG QUESTION. The question no one warned me about. The question I assumed I had a year or two before I had to deal with.
"So, when do you guys plan to have kids?"
What???!!!! Kids. Nowhere in the wedding vows did anyone mention kids. Kids are not in my contract. I read it twice.
Don't get me wrong, I like kids. One of the things I inherited on getting married was two adorable nephews, 3 and 2, who I love like I'm their blood. I have dedicated myself to being the "cool uncle". The one who brings fun gifts and knows interesting stories. The one who is more like a kid himself than an authority figure.
But that's just it. I like kids. Other people's kids. Other people's kids are great. If I feel the need to bond with a youngster I just call up Joan's sister or one of my cousins with children and I take them to the zoo or the discovery science center or a baseball game. But, and this is a major point, I can give them back. If they start to cry or yell or smell funny I can take them back to their mothers to be repaired. You can't do that when the kid is yours.
So I brushed off Joan's grandmother's comments as an attempt to get inside my head and cause me to bolt. But then comes my grandmother with the same thing. My grandmother is much more subtle than Joan's. No "when are you having kids" from her. Just subtle hints about how she's getting older and liable to die before I provide her with great grandchildren to enjoy. No pressure...
People at work ask the same question. Friends as well. Suddenly everyone seems creepily interested in my reproductive processes.
Is it really so wrong to not know yet if you want kids? Apparently so. The advice givers were mortified that Joan and I hadn't worked this out before we got married. But we had. She isn't sure (leaning toward yes), I'm not sure (leaning toward no) but we both want to wait a few years until we're settled and in a better place financially before we even begin discussing it. That's a decision.
And if we do, eventually, decide we don't want children, does that make us somehow evil? Also apparently so. Someone not long ago told me that couples who don't have children are "selfish" because people are put on this Earth to reproduce and if you don't it's only because you're too caught up in yourself to make a sacrifice for someone else. They couched it in some sort of religious argument, which is usually the quickest way to lose me. But isn't it more selfish to have a kid if you aren't sure you are ready for one, or even want one at all? Isn't it more selfish to blindly reproduce without studying the consequences and your ability to parent? Isn't it more selfish to just have a kid knowing you're in debt and the child won't have everything they might if you only waited a few years?
And aren't all those people pressuring me to have children just attempting to get themselves what I'm already enjoying; someone to spoil without the responsibility? Isn't that, in itself, selfish?
So here's the official announcement to stop the questions. There will be, barring any accidents of birth control, no children. Not for a few years and maybe not ever. Get over it. If you want kids, go adopt some. I work with lots of them who need good homes. My sperm are not for rent.
"A word to the wise ain't necessary -- it's the stupid ones that need the advice."
-Bill Cosby
NP: Pink Floyd: Dark Side of the Moon
posted by Gryphon at 7:49 PM
6 Comments:
Being a parent has been the most fulfilling experience of my life, followed closely by being a grandparent. Call me prejudiced, but I can't imagine missing out on either experience. Don't slam any doors just yet; youse guys are still newlyweds and need your time together just the two of you. The day may come... in the meantime, get used to nosy old ladies urging parenthood on you. It's their job.
I'm just not convinced of my abilities as a parental unit. As I said, I'm much better at being cool Uncle Chris than I am being Daddy. Cool Uncle Chris can enjoy kids on the kid's level, sometimes even being the child's advocate against a strict parent due to being able to see from the child's perspective. Parents have to be mean and authoritarian. I'm a pushover, especially with little girls. My cousin Rebecca can get away with pretty much anything short of murder when I'm around. She's too cute to punish. So if we had a girl, Joan would be going it mostly alone and that's not fair to her...
My "child in need of repair" anecdote for the day:
We were at Joan's sister's this weekend and the youngest decided to "brush his teeth." He did this by somehow sticking an entire bar of soap in his mouth... He came out of the bathroom foaming at the mouth like Cujo. Not being a parent, my response was "Hey Lisa. Your boy has rabies."
It's nice being Cool Uncle Chris...
Amen! I'm with you! I'm not keen on having responsibility for something that kicks, screams, cries, and throws up for the enjoyment of someone else who wants to see it on weekends. And, with all due respect to both grandmothers... screw 'em! Anyone can make a child, but not everyone can find someone to love. If they can't be happy that you've done that, well then... they aren't getting Christmas cards from me! (Which works out well for me, since I don't actually know either of them). ;)
Ah, that's why we make such a good team, Pinky... We think alike.
And you BETTER come see me when you get into town. Otherwise Kenny and I will have to use his mad wilderness tracking skilz to hunt you down...
WAIT A MINUTE! I just realized... that makes you The Brain of the operation. Narf!
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