Sunday, October 21, 2007

Things You Learn While Buying a House

I know I've been uncharacteristically quiet even for me lately. Lots of reasons for that. Work's been insane and I've been traveling all over the state off and on. Having no laptop, this leaves me with no net access during those times. I've been playing Lord of the Rings: Shadows of Angmar and Sam & Max Season One way more than I probably should. But the main reason why I've been an absentee blogger is that Joan and I were in the middle of trying to buy a house. That drama, for the most part, is finally over as we moved into our new place on Saturday. I'll put in pictures once we figure out what box the digital camera ended up in.

So, for my inaugural blog from the new home, I present "Things I Learned While Buying a House."

1. I will never do it again: Seriously. This is it. I don't like stress or drama and buying a house is a big steaming pile of both. I'm in this house for life.

2. Haunted Houses should hire mortgage brokers: Haunted houses always have Freddy, Jason, Michael Meyers, etc. If they really wanted to scare people, they'd have someone dress in a suit and tie, carry around a 6 inch stack of papers, and have participants sign contracts for 3 hours stating that they will be indebted for the next 30 years. It's certainly the scariest thing I've ever done...

3. Side by Side refrigerators are heavier than their regular counterparts: I have never been able to afford anything but the standard "freezer-on-top" model fridge for $350 at Home Depot. But Joan and I got a good deal on a used side-by-side with ice and water in the door and grabbed it. My friend Rusty and I moved it from the owner's home to mine on Saturday. There I learned that side-by-side fridges are the heaviest things in the universe. Scientists can talk about the intense gravity on Jupiter and how it makes everything heavier but nothing on Jupiter, hell the planet Jupiter itself, has any candle on a side-by-side fridge. This thing was pulling small objects into orbit around it... Which brings me to...

4. Muscle Pain Cream is as necessary a part of the moving package as boxes, tape, and bubble wrap: To say I hurt today is the same as saying Richard Simmons is "a little gay." I have aches in places where I didn't even know muscles existed. They say labor is the worst pain a human can feel and, while I've never experienced labor, I doubt it's got much on the aftermath of moving a fridge roughly the weight of the Eiffel Tower.

5. You have no idea how much crap you own until you pack it: Where did all of this stuff come from? We didn't buy all of this stuff! Our things have bred and multiplied like something out of a cheesy Sci-Fi channel original movie.

6. You are a filthy pig and you have no idea how much until you move: "Oh, is THAT the color our carpet is supposed to be?" we exclaimed after pulling up the computer chair mats.

7. Gas grilling is different than charcoal grilling: To any of my friends reading this who visited last night, thank you for eating the horrible black hamburgers, grinning through the soot, and trying to distract me from my failure to successfully cook with fire. I promise I'll be better next time you come.

8. If you have an item in your home that you haven't used in a couple of years and you feel like you should, pack it and tape it. Within two days you will find a task that must be done and can't without that particular tool. Guaranteed.

Kate, Kelly, come see our place anytime. You're always welcome when you're on this side of the continent. Just call first, lest you subject y0urself to the horror of me answering your knock in my underpants...

2 Comments:

Blogger Kel said...

Homeowner? HOMEOWNER!

I hate you.

;)

11:44 AM  
Blogger Kate said...

It's a good thing Kelly isn't the jealous type, isn't it? Sorry to be so late in offering congratulations! Have you named your dwelling in the English fashion? The Cotwold, perhaps? Ours is "Parva Domus"... which means small house. Welcome to the wonderful world of home ownership, and you are STILL one of the wittiest writers around.

9:03 PM  

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